Smileby ~SageFillyLunaCommentsNot a problem, is what I do. It's rare that I find something to critique that's actually good so I this was a nice surprise.
The lines just remind me of a song from the show and your username is similar to a popular character from it, it seemed to add but I guess I was wrong.
Plus you seem to really like horses, that makes it seem all the more likely. I recommend checking it out, at least so you can see what all the fuss is about and decide whether or not you're into it for yourself.
Cool, thanks i might! Ive seen a TON of fan art about it on here, but never seen the source! i might be prompted to now!
Thank you thank you!!! I wrote this last year, and i didn't change it, so your help is greatly appreciated. I was suspicious about the flow and such as well, but i figured that if it was bothering someone else, they would tell me XD. thankfully, you did!!!
i love what you did with it, may i use that first edit and change what i wrote? thank you so much for the time you put into this!! |
It's a shame because with some minor rearranging I think this could be really good. It made me smile but on a technical level it just kind of falls apart. Here, let me show you something.
The smile.
Tugging at the corners of your little mouth.
This feeling of joy that you have to let out.
Whoever you are,
never too tall
nor too small.
Wear a smile.
One size fits all.
If you try reading it that way it has a more pleasant flow and all I did was make strategic use of the backspace key. Unfortunately the first three lines still read a bit awkwardly. With just a bit of altered word use it becomes even more readable, rhyming better and with superior rhythm. Look at this example with just a few, minor edits.
A smile.
Tugging at the corners of your mouth.
A feeling that you must let out.
Whoever you are,
never too tall
nor too small.
Wear a smile,
one size fits all.
Reading it again I think you'll find it has a more elegant construction now and feels less wordy.
So am I right to assume you were inspired by MLP's "Smile, Smile, Smile," when you wrote this?