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:icongreat-lord-dread:
This is a poem that I wanted to like because it's very cute and positive, a rarity when everything I see is all so mopey and dreary. The words are nice but the flow is all off and it makes it hard to enjoy when you're stopping in places you really shouldn't.

It's a shame because with some minor rearranging I think this could be really good. It made me smile but on a technical level it just kind of falls apart. Here, let me show you something.

The smile.
Tugging at the corners of your little mouth.
This feeling of joy that you have to let out.
Whoever you are,
never too tall
nor too small.
Wear a smile.
One size fits all.

If you try reading it that way it has a more pleasant flow and all I did was make strategic use of the backspace key. Unfortunately the first three lines still read a bit awkwardly. With just a bit of altered word use it becomes even more readable, rhyming better and with superior rhythm. Look at this example with just a few, minor edits.

A smile.
Tugging at the corners of your mouth.
A feeling that you must let out.
Whoever you are,
never too tall
nor too small.
Wear a smile,
one size fits all.

Reading it again I think you'll find it has a more elegant construction now and feels less wordy.

So am I right to assume you were inspired by MLP's "Smile, Smile, Smile," when you wrote this?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:icongabanks118:
GABanks118 Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks for critiquing this thing! I might never have come across it otherwise.
Reply
:icongreat-lord-dread:
Great-Lord-Dread Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Not a problem, is what I do. It's rare that I find something to critique that's actually good so I this was a nice surprise.
Reply
:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh, and no, i didn't get that inspiration XD i don't actually follow that MLP stuff :P
Reply
:icongreat-lord-dread:
Great-Lord-Dread Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The lines just remind me of a song from the show and your username is similar to a popular character from it, it seemed to add but I guess I was wrong.
Reply
:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ah yes, i've been told that about my username. I've never seen the show :P
Reply
:icongreat-lord-dread:
Great-Lord-Dread Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Plus you seem to really like horses, that makes it seem all the more likely. I recommend checking it out, at least so you can see what all the fuss is about and decide whether or not you're into it for yourself.
Reply
:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Cool, thanks i might! Ive seen a TON of fan art about it on here, but never seen the source! i might be prompted to now!
Reply
:icongreat-lord-dread:
Great-Lord-Dread Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You just need to go in with an open mind and it can be a lot of fun.
Reply
:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sounds like something for me! I tend to be an open-minded person. The norm of society doesn't sway me!
Reply
:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you thank you!!! I wrote this last year, and i didn't change it, so your help is greatly appreciated. I was suspicious about the flow and such as well, but i figured that if it was bothering someone else, they would tell me XD. thankfully, you did!!!

i love what you did with it, may i use that first edit and change what i wrote? thank you so much for the time you put into this!! :glomp: :hug: thank you thank you again!! Its really really appreciated :D
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